Work avoiding again

Discovered there is no "Naff off I want to go my way" button on the GPS. I had to get out past Wymondham before I convinced it that I was not going to do a U turn at the next convienient opportunity, and I was in fact going to go on the A14, not the A47. It even wanted to send me home via Shepshed...from the M1 J23 roundabout. Strange. I will have to trust it tomorrow though, its got to get me to Mumsy's in Devon.

Trying to get back into being productive today, after the stasis field that is Christmas, in which a week passes and you wonder what you did. So today I have been to the gym (easing in gently on the treadmill, don't want the cough back) and I have been tidying my room, trying to get rid of random stuff to make room for new toys. Not doing terribly well at throwing stuff away, but I can see my desk again. Will do catching up on blogging the last few days later. Or not, I might get distracted by new toys. hehe.

Boxing day, just back from Comet. One of the controllers from Buzz didn't work (well, thats what Mum says, I reckon she just didn't know any answers!). May well have chosen an LCD TV too, will have one last look on tinternet tonight though. Not achieved much else today, apart from establishing that none of us can sing! Wetting ourselves over the playback from Radio GaGa on Singstar...meow!

Just trying to remember when I blogged yesterday, think it was before dinner. Christmas lunch was good, didn't eat a lot, I have lost my ability to keep up with my bro. ...distracted by Mastermind...opened pressies after dinner. I must have been not too badly behaved this year, cos Santa brought me a PS2 and Uncle Chalkie must have heard about my legendary sense of direction, and got me GPS. I'm actually looking forward to the journey down to Mumsy's in Devon now hehe.

Yet more departure from tradition christmas day, Nan and Grandad didn't sleep over, and we didn't play cards at all. I kicked ass at Buzz, until Jon arrived, and then he beat me by being too bloomin quick. Met his girlfriend Jenna. She seems ok, but I really liked Nikki. Oh well, his life I guess.

Anyway. Trying to get used to it being Boxing Day and there being only three of us here. We normally have a houseful. Guess I should get on with stuff then, lots to teach Dad on the PC. Then play some more games later when Jon comes over, then try not to cough all night. Starting to really miss Loughborough, but also looking forward to sale shopping in the city tomorrow.

and not a creature was stirring....except for the rats!

Got woken up at 6.30 this morning when one of them fell off something and landed with a clang. oops. Seeing as I was awake I thought I should text people, just to let them know that Santa had been (hope I didn't wake any of them). Got up and took my duvet through to the back room to watch TV and hope I would stop coughing long enough to get back to sleep. This I must have done as Mum had already had a bath and was faffing with the turkey when I woke up again. This really threw me out. Christmas is normally run to a rigid timetable of tradition. At 7.30 I normally get up and turn the oven on and go for a run, then take the old folk their cuppa in bed when I get back. I really missed that this year. Oh well. Didn't open our sacks from Santa first thing either...Jon was not here, so we went to church having only opened one present. I discovered why Frankie was so keen to help me open it...he could obviously smell the yummy chocolate. Have just now finished opening sacks (main pressies come after dinner) and now its the v boring bit waiting for dinner to be ready, trying to keep out of stressed out mother's way, hence I'm in here blogging. Santa was very good to me this year, he brought me Animal socks and Star Wars Lego hehehe!!! (and no pants).

Last night's midnight mass was hilarious. During the communion the old lady dishing out the wine tipped it all down the front of the bloke next to me! The best bit was how she tried to wipe it off his shirt with her cloth. Showing a distinct lack of trust I took hold of the cup on my turn, but when she had done Ma she said "Oh did you get any dear?". Mum was telling me off for laughing whilst clearly trying not to laugh herself. My Spiderman hat also drew a few friendly stares!

Have got a project for the rest of the holidays, inspired by Sam (Mum and Dad's youth leader from church)...photos to follow.

Anyway...come on Ma...I'm starving.

Lets hope this saves ok, blogger is being terribly slow tonight. Anyways, hello from not at all sunny Norwich. Had such fun driving through the fog to get here friday. Is a bit alarming getting overtaken when I'm thinking "well, I don't know about you mate...but I can't see jack". (I know its unlikely I would see Jack, even though I was the Giant, but its more polite that other options).

Have not really done a lot since I got here, except cough!. I am happy to take days off school to stay in bed watching Disney films, but no. My body always decides to wait till the holidays to get sick. Boo Hiss. Anyway, I am not whinging at all, its not that big a deal, esp compared to poor Steve who now has metal plates in his jaw after coming off his bike. Poor Bunny.

So, tonight is Christmas Eve. The presents are wrapped (finally, and in some cases, quite badly), my folks are watching the Two Ronnies and I have reached the point where I would really rather not put on a nice Christmas CD thankyou. Am looking forward to going to see Sam this evening (family tradition) to be fed homemade mince pies and be asked to share details of what I have done over the last year (normally I prefer to keep my mouth shut...or full of pie).

After that we are going into the city for a midnight mass service. We must thank Remi's Mum for this tradition. I really liked it when I went over to France for Christmas, so dragged Ma and Pa out last year. We all really enjoyed it, so going again. This year I am going to find out if other churches are as accepting as Emmanuel of shouting out, playing with Lego and Happy Feet tap dancing. Hehehe.

Until tomorrow.... and Peace Be With You !!!

Dr Fluffy Pete just said this in an email...so funny I have to share it. Big up the Fluffster!
...
But I leave you with this thought. Chav Star Wars. Genius? I give you:

Darth Westwood in a burberry cape!
Pimp my X-Wing!


"Luke...I am your father."
"Am I bovvered though? Do I look bothered?"

...
LMAO. Anyways, on with the packing...

ok, so there was another option that I should have listed for how to go about trying to sort stuff out ....let God do it.

So, thankyou God, and person, for giving me the best christmas present (after baby J himself). Am chilled about going home now that I know everything is cool, or at least it will be if we make sure we are honest with each other this time.

Keep us on the right track Lord.

Is it me, or is it just life? I am getting extremely depressed about the whole friends thing again. I had a chat with Remi (so it was fairly one-sided!) about this a while back. There are lots of people that know me, particularly when they want something. However, whenever I try to arrange something, and I try really hard at the normal grown up friendships thing, then I get burned.

The latest example is New Years. I sent an email out to loads of people. I have had replies from 4 saying why they can't make it, and one, thats ONE saying he can (thanks J). I understand that people may have other commitments, but the vast majority can't even be arsed to reply to me.

So, is it me? Is this part of the ongoing message that nobody really likes me? Its hard on the confidence (what little there is) when I have to go out on my birthday with my parents, cause no-one else likes me enough. Is this just part of growing up? like when my best friend became a stranger when she got a boyfriend back in high school? Will I suddenly be unavailable if God ever gives me someone crazy enough to be my partner?

Depressed/frustrated now. Will try to get my happy feet back in time for the Carol Service tonight. Will be very happy if I get a "hello" again (even though waiting for the promised talk is agony). Anyway, now to investigate just what the ... is making that beeping noise, and get the DVD recorder to play ball ready for Hogfather tonight.

...admittedly posted much later, because my hands were frozen when I got home so couldn't type.

Why...given a dance floor, some cheesy music and a few bottles of some vile alcopop...are straight women suddenly all over each other???

Why...do the normal rules of physical contact not apply on a 'night out'? People who would not dream of putting their arms around my shoulders in school suddenly think that I would want them to to do it repeatedly (and whilst spitting on my face) just because THEY have had a few beers.

Just a quick mini rant, of the thoughtful rather than angry variety. Got an group email today inviting everyone to the MT party. It included the phrase 'This invite is open to husbands/wives'. I had this instant indignant reaction that wanted to reply 'Hey what about girlfriends, boyfriends, not romantically linked person of choice?'.

I guess this reaction is partly due to being increasingly aware at how much more open I think society needs to be. Its as though you partner does not exist unless you have a marraige certificate. Maybe I'm reacting just cos I wish I had somebody to take to the party!

I do think though that this is something church needs to be wary of. There seem to be two main groups targeted at Emmanuel; families with children and students. Most stuff beyond services (and even many of the services) is aimed at them. Actually amusingly its probably the other group, the single/unmarried adults that do most of the background work at Emmanuel. A lot of the no glory jobs seem to be done by a great group of young(ish) adults that some at church feel can be called upon at any time, because they don't have a family, so are often assumed as being always available.

Don't get me wrong I think Emmanuel is great, but if their aim is to show God's welcome to all, then they may need to widen their focus.

Hyper day yesterday, tap dancing in church and lots of being Spiderman in my new hat (note to self, insert photo later). However, now I am back to being in agony waiting to see if I am forgiven or hated for ever... (I probably deserve the latter).

Lets just hope that the Lufbra cinema does not have CCTV!!! But we couldn't help it....we just had happy feet!!! (plus we made the important biomechanical discovery that it is very difficult not to bend your knees when tap dancing)

Have been incredibly lazy this morning having spent most of it alternating between reading Terry Pratchett's Hogfather (in preparation for the film on Sky One next Sunday night) and er, dozing.

I have however finally finished the Starfighter....


and given myself RSI from making stars!

Wings closed...


and the cute little stormtrooper...


Ok, enough playing. Must clean the ratties house and my house and get to the gym.

John showed me a video on YouTube the other day that was a trailer for The Shining that made it look like a happy, wholesome family movie. The one he showed me last night is even better. This is just wrong!



I'm pretty screwed up as it is....imagine if I had watched THAT everytime I was ill as a kid!

Ok. Just tried option 5 which was to say Hi to them on MSN (which they hate and told me not to contact them on) to make a point about not saying Hi to stress me out. Seems God had other plans. It turned into an actual conversation. One that I thought I was going to blow completely at any point, and both of us would have shouted and screamed at the other had we been in the same room. There is still so much more explaining to do, but for now as least I know that they do care. Only now after all this have they given any indication of their feelings. So I am so happy that they have finally told me how they feel, but so scared because I really don't know what to do next or how I will cope in front of them. God wll give us both a hand I guess.

Read this on the back cover of a book while teaching EC today (Hold On by Alan Gibbons)...

Glass breaks because it is fragile.
You don't blame the glass for breaking.
A heart breaks because it is fragile.
So why blame the heart for breaking?

Why blame me?

This thing with the person at church is really doing my head in now. I go mad every time I see them. I either need to perfect 'not caring' pretty darn quick, or it somehow needs to be sorted. I can see a few options, but I have no idea which path I should take, or how I would even begin to go about the last option.

As I see it I could:
1 - Carry on trying to pretend everything is fine (failing miserably at this) and do nothing.
2 - Explode in church one day so that the whole world knows how I feel
3 - Send an email reminding them that they chose to have nothing to do with me, and they wanted me out of their life completely, and so politely request that they stay away from my one definite friend (and stop emailing her about me) and refrain from making a point of saying Hi to me whenever I can't prevent us meeting.
4 - Smeg knows how, but somehow sort it out. I feel like God keeps telling me 'hey, you know this isn't right, and it isn't helping you to be the person I want you to be, so do something about it'. Forgiveness is really hard when someone has hurt you really badly, and in such a weird way. I can handle getting hit, I can handle name calling and being hurt when they mean to. This is just so hard to explain though. I have no idea what I did wrong to cause someone I thought was my friend to change so suddenly. I am not even sure they meant to do this. I hope that I am still able to see the best in them, but their behaviour over the last few months is so unfathomable that I am struggling. They can be such a closed book that I have no idea whether they care at all about this or not. If they are absolutely fine then I would hate to open this all up again, and be someone that cannot follow the rules set, or go along with someone else's decision.

So, I am sticking with option 1 at the moment. Trying desperately not to do 2, but have a nasty feeling that I will crack eventually, and do it in a big way. Need God's GPS on this one. I can't see a way out.

Putting me off option 3 is the fact that I emailed the person who was brought in to sort all this out, after Sunday's talk, to check whether I should be feeling guilty or not, whether they both thought that things were resolved. After an initial cryptic answer I made the mistake of trying to express my feelings. Bad idea. I quite definitely got 'told' in her reply. Yet again it was me that had misunderstood everything, me that had made assumptions, me that had the bad attitude. I think that I am ready to conceed defeat now and not try to explain or express.

What (I think) I feel God telling me, and what I hear over and over from different people at church (all of whom have no idea about this situation, and who are usually talking to the congregation as a whole) is that this does need to be sorted out. Reality and my every effort however, tells me just to drop it, and to concentrate on walking away and avoiding the person and the issue.

The thing I find the saddest is that the few people who know the person and who ask me about stuff, or read this, are not in the least suprised. I found myself defending them in a conversation on Monday, which I guess is good, because at least some part of me still thinks they are a wonderful person. I am sad though when I think of what other people might think of the person. I hope I don't do or say anything to affect anybody else's opinion. I hope God will forgive me in the case of Em though, someone has to help me try to figure this out.

Awesome!!!!

This is stupid. I'm turning into someone I'm not. Or at least I hope I am not. I don't normally swear and get angry over nothing, or bad mouth people. This is (I am told by somebody that has received emails from person that doesn't want to know me anymore) supposed to make me a better christian, and to help me to not sin. It is actually just turning me into an angry spiteful person whose 'patience with other people' thimble overflows if I even just see the person, or someone mentions them, with the result that I flip out at others. How is that helping?

I was told in the sermon tonight not to walk away and hide and hope it would all go away if I just tried to forget about it...but thats what I am doing. This is a tough one though, cos sorting it out is completely beyond my power and out of my hands.

Helen spoke tonight a lot about broken relationships and stuff that keeps us from God, and about two kinds of sorrow; God's and the world's. The talk was really, really good and I recommend going here to download it (scroll down to evening services, 3rd Dec).

She starts by talking about people that we look up to as our image of a super christian (debated with Dom the merits of wearing our pants on the outside), and about putting other christians on a pedastal, but when we get to know them we realise they are only human. I have certainly experienced this. And certainly experienced learning that they are not perfect. Until recently though, this made me respect them as a christian even more.

Helen leads on to Paul, who might be considered a kind of super christian. She focuses on his fears in the passage, where he is waiting to hear from his mate Titus, having sent a hard letter to the church in Corinth. Helen asked if any of us had ever sent somebody a letter or an email and then been in agony waiting for the response. Time and again I thought. Sometimes the answer brings us even greater agony than the wait.

So, whilst I did a heck of a lot of thinking, and felt prodded to try much harder at the whole forgiveness thing, and also prodded to listen to the instruction to sort the relationship out...I really can't. I tried to put it right, first by following all their rules, then by simply offering them the choice, of whether they wanted to be friends or not. They chose not. If I am now supposed to stay out of their life completely I can't really wander up after the service and say 'hey, shall we sort this out then'.

The talk also focussed on regrets, and on resolving anything we thought that we had done wrong, particularly in a relationship. Well, I certainly regret ever getting close to them in the first place, but I am really struggling to see what I have done wrong, apart from having feelings. I have never let my feelings lead to actions that are wrong, and since its all gone pear shaped I am really struggling with seeing what I have done wrong, and struggling even more to forgive and get over just how much they have hurt me, both by actions they didn't mean, and then words that it seems they do. Far from trying to fix the broken relationship, I think maybe I just need to somehow get to a place where I don't care, where my feelings are completely neutral and being around them doesn't bother me at all.

I have been told a lot by those who claim to have 'pastoral responsibility' for me that me shutting out people is not 'honouring to God'. This is something else I am really struggling with. Which is the least honouring to God, caring deeply for somebody, or wanting to avoid them at all costs? Which does God prefer, the me that loved this person completely and only wanted good for them and tried really hard to be a better person, or the me that hates this person and this church and wants to scream at them to stop their two faced lies?

The visible face of the church preaches forgiveness and never giving up at healing relationships. Behind closed doors those deemed to be at fault are told what they can and cannot do, and have their relationships broken for them.

Answers God?

My poor baby had an accident today. John (shaking) brought Frankie up to me this morning while I was making LEGO Stewies. Somehow the skin on the last 2 inches of Frankies tail had come off, leaving the end of his tail exposed. Luckily I managed to flip into MUM mode, telling John to get dressed while I looked after Frankie and found his small cage etc to take him to the vet. Frankie meanwhile was taking this all very well, and just went and sat in his safe place on my shoulder. Mum mode lasted pretty well until we got to the second vets (first one on a home visit) and she told me she was going to amputate the end of his tail. Then I cried and started Aspie rocking!

So, my baby is fine now, just sleeping off his big adventure, having eaten lots of weetos while sat on Mummy's shoulder. Unfortuantely he has now got a stumpy tail with a big stitch in it (shame, cos I loved the pointy end bit of his tail that he curled round things). Anyway, he seems ok, so all the panic praying must have worked. Thanks again big G.

Moral ending to this tail (hehe) in true Thundercats styleeee...never believe everything you see on TV. John found the skin from his tail (still 'intact', imagine a finger from a v small glove) and I put it in a freezer bag and wrapped it in ice, like you do on all those 999 programmes on TV when some eejit severs a finger. Felt like a bit of a wally when the Vet gave me a whithering look and said "you don't expect that to take do you?" Oh well, what do I know.

And for the less squeamish among you. I did want to take a pic of the tail, but thought that was a bit mean and gross, and didn't want to waste time doing that cos I also thought my baby might die...but this is what it reminded me of. Its from the LEGO starship I was making earlier...