Sunday, December 03, 2006
Doing what I was told not to....again
I was told in the sermon tonight not to walk away and hide and hope it would all go away if I just tried to forget about it...but thats what I am doing. This is a tough one though, cos sorting it out is completely beyond my power and out of my hands.
Helen spoke tonight a lot about broken relationships and stuff that keeps us from God, and about two kinds of sorrow; God's and the world's. The talk was really, really good and I recommend going here to download it (scroll down to evening services, 3rd Dec).
She starts by talking about people that we look up to as our image of a super christian (debated with Dom the merits of wearing our pants on the outside), and about putting other christians on a pedastal, but when we get to know them we realise they are only human. I have certainly experienced this. And certainly experienced learning that they are not perfect. Until recently though, this made me respect them as a christian even more.
Helen leads on to Paul, who might be considered a kind of super christian. She focuses on his fears in the passage, where he is waiting to hear from his mate Titus, having sent a hard letter to the church in Corinth. Helen asked if any of us had ever sent somebody a letter or an email and then been in agony waiting for the response. Time and again I thought. Sometimes the answer brings us even greater agony than the wait.
So, whilst I did a heck of a lot of thinking, and felt prodded to try much harder at the whole forgiveness thing, and also prodded to listen to the instruction to sort the relationship out...I really can't. I tried to put it right, first by following all their rules, then by simply offering them the choice, of whether they wanted to be friends or not. They chose not. If I am now supposed to stay out of their life completely I can't really wander up after the service and say 'hey, shall we sort this out then'.
The talk also focussed on regrets, and on resolving anything we thought that we had done wrong, particularly in a relationship. Well, I certainly regret ever getting close to them in the first place, but I am really struggling to see what I have done wrong, apart from having feelings. I have never let my feelings lead to actions that are wrong, and since its all gone pear shaped I am really struggling with seeing what I have done wrong, and struggling even more to forgive and get over just how much they have hurt me, both by actions they didn't mean, and then words that it seems they do. Far from trying to fix the broken relationship, I think maybe I just need to somehow get to a place where I don't care, where my feelings are completely neutral and being around them doesn't bother me at all.
I have been told a lot by those who claim to have 'pastoral responsibility' for me that me shutting out people is not 'honouring to God'. This is something else I am really struggling with. Which is the least honouring to God, caring deeply for somebody, or wanting to avoid them at all costs? Which does God prefer, the me that loved this person completely and only wanted good for them and tried really hard to be a better person, or the me that hates this person and this church and wants to scream at them to stop their two faced lies?
The visible face of the church preaches forgiveness and never giving up at healing relationships. Behind closed doors those deemed to be at fault are told what they can and cannot do, and have their relationships broken for them.
Answers God?
Helen spoke tonight a lot about broken relationships and stuff that keeps us from God, and about two kinds of sorrow; God's and the world's. The talk was really, really good and I recommend going here to download it (scroll down to evening services, 3rd Dec).
She starts by talking about people that we look up to as our image of a super christian (debated with Dom the merits of wearing our pants on the outside), and about putting other christians on a pedastal, but when we get to know them we realise they are only human. I have certainly experienced this. And certainly experienced learning that they are not perfect. Until recently though, this made me respect them as a christian even more.
Helen leads on to Paul, who might be considered a kind of super christian. She focuses on his fears in the passage, where he is waiting to hear from his mate Titus, having sent a hard letter to the church in Corinth. Helen asked if any of us had ever sent somebody a letter or an email and then been in agony waiting for the response. Time and again I thought. Sometimes the answer brings us even greater agony than the wait.
So, whilst I did a heck of a lot of thinking, and felt prodded to try much harder at the whole forgiveness thing, and also prodded to listen to the instruction to sort the relationship out...I really can't. I tried to put it right, first by following all their rules, then by simply offering them the choice, of whether they wanted to be friends or not. They chose not. If I am now supposed to stay out of their life completely I can't really wander up after the service and say 'hey, shall we sort this out then'.
The talk also focussed on regrets, and on resolving anything we thought that we had done wrong, particularly in a relationship. Well, I certainly regret ever getting close to them in the first place, but I am really struggling to see what I have done wrong, apart from having feelings. I have never let my feelings lead to actions that are wrong, and since its all gone pear shaped I am really struggling with seeing what I have done wrong, and struggling even more to forgive and get over just how much they have hurt me, both by actions they didn't mean, and then words that it seems they do. Far from trying to fix the broken relationship, I think maybe I just need to somehow get to a place where I don't care, where my feelings are completely neutral and being around them doesn't bother me at all.
I have been told a lot by those who claim to have 'pastoral responsibility' for me that me shutting out people is not 'honouring to God'. This is something else I am really struggling with. Which is the least honouring to God, caring deeply for somebody, or wanting to avoid them at all costs? Which does God prefer, the me that loved this person completely and only wanted good for them and tried really hard to be a better person, or the me that hates this person and this church and wants to scream at them to stop their two faced lies?
The visible face of the church preaches forgiveness and never giving up at healing relationships. Behind closed doors those deemed to be at fault are told what they can and cannot do, and have their relationships broken for them.
Answers God?
# posted by Harley @ 8:41 PM 
