Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Guidance please God
This thing with the person at church is really doing my head in now. I go mad every time I see them. I either need to perfect 'not caring' pretty darn quick, or it somehow needs to be sorted. I can see a few options, but I have no idea which path I should take, or how I would even begin to go about the last option.
As I see it I could:
1 - Carry on trying to pretend everything is fine (failing miserably at this) and do nothing.
2 - Explode in church one day so that the whole world knows how I feel
3 - Send an email reminding them that they chose to have nothing to do with me, and they wanted me out of their life completely, and so politely request that they stay away from my one definite friend (and stop emailing her about me) and refrain from making a point of saying Hi to me whenever I can't prevent us meeting.
4 - Smeg knows how, but somehow sort it out. I feel like God keeps telling me 'hey, you know this isn't right, and it isn't helping you to be the person I want you to be, so do something about it'. Forgiveness is really hard when someone has hurt you really badly, and in such a weird way. I can handle getting hit, I can handle name calling and being hurt when they mean to. This is just so hard to explain though. I have no idea what I did wrong to cause someone I thought was my friend to change so suddenly. I am not even sure they meant to do this. I hope that I am still able to see the best in them, but their behaviour over the last few months is so unfathomable that I am struggling. They can be such a closed book that I have no idea whether they care at all about this or not. If they are absolutely fine then I would hate to open this all up again, and be someone that cannot follow the rules set, or go along with someone else's decision.
So, I am sticking with option 1 at the moment. Trying desperately not to do 2, but have a nasty feeling that I will crack eventually, and do it in a big way. Need God's GPS on this one. I can't see a way out.
Putting me off option 3 is the fact that I emailed the person who was brought in to sort all this out, after Sunday's talk, to check whether I should be feeling guilty or not, whether they both thought that things were resolved. After an initial cryptic answer I made the mistake of trying to express my feelings. Bad idea. I quite definitely got 'told' in her reply. Yet again it was me that had misunderstood everything, me that had made assumptions, me that had the bad attitude. I think that I am ready to conceed defeat now and not try to explain or express.
What (I think) I feel God telling me, and what I hear over and over from different people at church (all of whom have no idea about this situation, and who are usually talking to the congregation as a whole) is that this does need to be sorted out. Reality and my every effort however, tells me just to drop it, and to concentrate on walking away and avoiding the person and the issue.
The thing I find the saddest is that the few people who know the person and who ask me about stuff, or read this, are not in the least suprised. I found myself defending them in a conversation on Monday, which I guess is good, because at least some part of me still thinks they are a wonderful person. I am sad though when I think of what other people might think of the person. I hope I don't do or say anything to affect anybody else's opinion. I hope God will forgive me in the case of Em though, someone has to help me try to figure this out.
As I see it I could:
1 - Carry on trying to pretend everything is fine (failing miserably at this) and do nothing.
2 - Explode in church one day so that the whole world knows how I feel
3 - Send an email reminding them that they chose to have nothing to do with me, and they wanted me out of their life completely, and so politely request that they stay away from my one definite friend (and stop emailing her about me) and refrain from making a point of saying Hi to me whenever I can't prevent us meeting.
4 - Smeg knows how, but somehow sort it out. I feel like God keeps telling me 'hey, you know this isn't right, and it isn't helping you to be the person I want you to be, so do something about it'. Forgiveness is really hard when someone has hurt you really badly, and in such a weird way. I can handle getting hit, I can handle name calling and being hurt when they mean to. This is just so hard to explain though. I have no idea what I did wrong to cause someone I thought was my friend to change so suddenly. I am not even sure they meant to do this. I hope that I am still able to see the best in them, but their behaviour over the last few months is so unfathomable that I am struggling. They can be such a closed book that I have no idea whether they care at all about this or not. If they are absolutely fine then I would hate to open this all up again, and be someone that cannot follow the rules set, or go along with someone else's decision.
So, I am sticking with option 1 at the moment. Trying desperately not to do 2, but have a nasty feeling that I will crack eventually, and do it in a big way. Need God's GPS on this one. I can't see a way out.
Putting me off option 3 is the fact that I emailed the person who was brought in to sort all this out, after Sunday's talk, to check whether I should be feeling guilty or not, whether they both thought that things were resolved. After an initial cryptic answer I made the mistake of trying to express my feelings. Bad idea. I quite definitely got 'told' in her reply. Yet again it was me that had misunderstood everything, me that had made assumptions, me that had the bad attitude. I think that I am ready to conceed defeat now and not try to explain or express.
What (I think) I feel God telling me, and what I hear over and over from different people at church (all of whom have no idea about this situation, and who are usually talking to the congregation as a whole) is that this does need to be sorted out. Reality and my every effort however, tells me just to drop it, and to concentrate on walking away and avoiding the person and the issue.
The thing I find the saddest is that the few people who know the person and who ask me about stuff, or read this, are not in the least suprised. I found myself defending them in a conversation on Monday, which I guess is good, because at least some part of me still thinks they are a wonderful person. I am sad though when I think of what other people might think of the person. I hope I don't do or say anything to affect anybody else's opinion. I hope God will forgive me in the case of Em though, someone has to help me try to figure this out.
# posted by Harley @ 10:17 PM 
