Work avoiding again

So goes the line from the ToyStory 2 song. The ITunes Oracle is messing with my head!!! Oh dear, here I am smoking a candy fag getting all depressed because the shuffle option on I Tunes picks 'When somebody loved me' by Sarah MacLachlan at the exact same moment I change my MSN sign in name. I would say 'I need help', but as I am getting that already and not much is changing then I don't know what I need. More candy fags maybe.

Anyways, just finished Cell. Was good. I lifted Jon Walker's Alpha talk on why we should read the bible (but I did give him full credit before I started). Looking at Psalm One was good. Ben explained it well. That God and his word is like the stream, and if we draw our strength from that stream then even though life may throw stuff at us, we may bend, but we won't fall. I somehow went on to come up with the Weeble Theory...that if we try to live by reading and thinking about stuff in the bible, as our guidelines from God [oh dear, Itunes Oracle really is messing with me...So in Love by Lara Fabian, from De-Lovely] then we become like Weebles....we wobble but we don't fall down!

Only got thru half the stuff I had planned. Hopefully at the end of the next one I will be able to take them through the Emmanuel Church statement on Biblical Authority. The important bit for me, that I totally respect Eml for is 'We expect diversity in interpretation yet respect biblical authority'. None of us can be sure that we have got it totally right...but I think God wants us to try our best to understand, and to live according to we work out for ourselves. With a shed load of help from Him.

OK, my brain has about had it for tonight. Had a bit of a stressful day, another Aspie freakout. Thanks to Vicky at school for helping me sort it. She is someone that doesn't easily get weirded out by Aspie-ness. I know for next time that if other teachers at school dare me to go up to the Headmaster and ask him how old he is, that they don't really mean it, and they will get upset with me when I do it. I think the Headmaster was more disturbed by me going back 10mins later to apologise, rather than the question itself, but one of the teachers got really angry with me. Thimble spillage, yet again. Right I need to talk to my one definate friend, well, email her, then go bye-byes with yet another book that purports to explain relationships. I remain somewhat cynical, as some people don't follow the rules!

I love it when it gets to gone midnight on a Tuesday and I'm starting to get stressed that I should be asleep already, and then I remember that I don't have to be in skool until nearly 10 the next day (only in a week 1). Have got so much catching up with organisation and paperwork to do that I did get up fairly early, but I thought I would also try to write a normal blog entry for a change.

So, LEGO progress...My ARC-170 has now got one wing. And it is v cool. As the pic below is supposed to show, there is a neat system of technic cogs and those little red balls, that open and close the wings. Shame the pic is a bit rubbish.
Right, what else have I been up to.... Tues I did most of my christmas shopping. Everyone is getting DVDs! Also managed to tidy room a bit, finally order my Goldfish vouchers to get my FREE PS2!!!, started organising my old photos, and planned Cell for tonight.

Mon night was hilarious. However I cannot do our success (well, so close it was almost worth a cigar) as much justice as Em did on her blog. I still can't believe how funny she is.

Sun was drums at both services, which was fantastic. And a lovely lunch at El's. Which I didn't forget about at all. Oops, Ruth saved my life there. Afters was yummy - I made Bible Club Camp Cake (think they used to call it Mocha Pie, but I made it with Vanilla Angel Delight, I don't think you can get coffee these days). Have just realised how easily I go off on completely irrelevant tangents.

Walked Stewie in the afternoon with Rach. Was very happy that he managed to get out of the car before yukky stuff came out of both ends! Got a glimpse of Rachel's rarely seen 'evil' side when Stewie jumped up on some poor woman in previously clean jeans, leaving a perfect pawprint. Rach did an admirable job of apologising sincerely, whilst finding this the funniest thing in the world. We also invented the Bag It/Leave It system of Poo classification. Each specimen is analysed for quantity and consistency (and occasionally proximity to poo bin) before the decision is made to bag it, or cover it with a pile of leaves. The weirdest thing about picking up poo is that its warm. Too much information??

Am turning into my parents...fell asleep watching a film Sat night. Actually I do that a lot, but I was annoyed as it was SW:2. I'll put it down to being worn out from trying to protect my tea from some fat greedy git of a monster, who had already scoffed all his tea (no, not Remi for a change!). Decision to put on yesterdays socks when I got up Sun am was a good one...it didn't take me long to find the first puddle of the day.

Its weird writing using Blog chronology within a post. Last bit, I better do some work. Friday night was Al's last night at Utopia. V sad. I am especially gutted as Al is the only person at church who ever understands what I am talking about. He doesn't mind being 'covered in beeeeees', he knows who Mrs Badcrumble is, and always answers correctly the eternal conundrum 'Tea and Cake or Death?' Oh well. Even my cunning plan to keep him here by stealing his hat failed. Mainly because he said that he would go anyway, just be sad about his hat, and have a really cold head in Manchester, and even I am not that cruel. But at least I won the 'officially the coolest goodbye card we received' competition. John Whitley says its too alarming to post on here.

Parting shot....LEGO sheep are taking over the world! Now Ronan has one (hehe go Ronan!) and Al has used LEGO sheep in his Christmas animation. Watch out folks...

Ok so Pete just asked "Do you know when your thimble is nearly full? ".

I guess in some situations yeah, I do. Sometimes I can feel myself getting very quickly stressed out. In those situations the best thing that I can do (admittedly only best for myself, and short term) is to get away from whatever is stressing me. So, if it is possible I will simply walk away. This tends to be my favoured response, as it gets me away from the problem, and also onto my own so I can either calm myself down (using previously mentioned behaviours) or I can explode on my own. Sometimes I HAVE to get away from whatever it is. God has been dead good at helping me to contain explosive thimble spillage until I am on my own. Despite two large rugby players and some other big strong boys having a go, it must be noted that I was the first one to whack the mini puchbag at school soooo hard that it flew off the table.

Sometimes I will think that I have got myself under control, despite feeling like the thimble is very full....and then something tiny will set me off. This is normally the case for the 'tears' response to thimble spillage. Often at school I will think I am just about ok, and then Jono will give me a hug, or someone will say 'you ok' and they get a ball of tears!

Its really difficult if I cannot get away from the situation. I have had meetings with supervisers/directors of research where I have almost lost it (tears not aggressive) got it under control, finished the meeting, and just made it into Rach or Ems office before bawling!

I hate being 'trapped' with the person that is causing thimble spillage, especially once I have 'lost it'. This has happened quite a bit recently with stuff at church, where I have been forced into 'communicating' and not been allowed to walk/run away. The only way I can deal with this is to make myself be zero emotion, as if I was at all honest about how I feel, they would get all my emotion in one big explosion/meltdown.

Anyway, its late, and something has distracted me, so my monotropic brain has completely lost where I was going with this!. Bonne Nuit!

Just got a text from Dr Fluffy Pete (hope he never finds out that after seeing Toy Story 2 we renamed him Stinky Pete) stating in his own unique and inimitable way that he didn't quite grasp the concept of thimble spillage. I think I have also explained it to everyone else that has asked, but I will also put my answer here, if only for my own help if ever I come to writing the book. ...

ok. thimble spillage for dummies.... (meant in the book series sense, not inferring anything about the recipient of the answer)

Current 'expert' opinion is that I have Aspergers Syndrome, which is an Autistic Spectrum Disorder. (with me so far?) the short version of this is 'Aspie'.

one of the experts in this field, Tony Attwood, says that whereas normal people have an emotional bucket, Aspie's have a thimble, which means they get easily full up. it also applies to other things not just emotions. so for example, NTs (neuro-typicals, normal people) will have a social bucket, which means that they like to have lots of contact with other people to feel happy. Aspies will generally have a social thimble, so it might be that 5 mins at the pub will do us just fine, or a short conversation with 1 person after church, rather than chit chat with the entire congregation (or we might just leave, speaking to no0-one).

in the case of emotions, it might take a lot to get an NT angry, or frustrated, or scared, or stressed out. etc etc. Very little can fill the Aspie's emotional thimble.

I personally invented the term 'thimble spillage' (patent pending!) for times when my emotional thimble gets full, ...and overflows (often in a bad way, where I lose control)

so, what might not seem a big deal to somebody elsecan really flip me out, and i will display certain behaviours that mean i have lost it. I tend to pace, kick or throw things (often repetitively) fiddle with or spin something, or rock backwards and forwards. or i might just space out and disconnect from the situation. or i might start talking to myself. depends.

if you are referring to my latest blog entry about missing my aspie angel, then dealing with thimble spillage means that this person was able to a) not get freaked out by my weird behaviour b) understand what was going on (or at least try to), despite my inability to communcate c) calm me down again (some people can't do this, they aggravate thimble spillage)

so, yeah. thats thimble spillage. get back to me if its still not clear.

I used to have an Aspie Guardian Angel (human version) who was fantastic at explaining people to me, and at sorting me out when I have thimble spillage. I freaked out today in HSBC. They have completely changed it, replacing all human beings with ATM machines. Lack of signs, and panic, left me with no idea how or where to pay a cheque in. Luckily I must have looked like a startled rabbit as well as feeling like one, and a nice lady (only one left in there, and also cunningly disguised in 'plain clothes') helped me out. I miss having my Aspie Angel to make me feel better about all my freakouts and frustrations though.

Worship tonight was awesome, one of those nights when God takes over and I just worry about enjoying it and praising Him. Started with 'Let everything that has breath praise the Lord', and it got louder from there! IMHO it shoudl be 'Let everything that makes noise when you whack it with a stick Praise the Lord'!!! All the 'guys' were hyper too - I love it when the drums and the worship gets us all fired up.

If only I could make myself not give a [insert phrase here] about a certain person at church. It totally does my head in now when they speak. I wish they would stop deliberately saying hello to me (seems the complete opposite message to 'I do not want to be your friend', but what do I know) but I find it totally freaks me out (covered ears and rocking) when they talk about God. I'm not going to join in a prayer from someone who I used to think personified God's love, but who actually was just using me as a little project. And as for them emailing the one person in the world I am sure is my friend......

But hey, I managed to be Tigger with everybody else, so thats ok. Tigger senior said hello to Tigger junior this morning. Suprisingly, I am Jnr! Just need to get to a place where this person doesn't ruin church for me everytime they are there, and also give me an unbelievably short temper with adults, cos I am soooo angry at them.

Right, on with the Christmas shopping (the no-stress way)...Hurrah for Tinternet!

Just gonna offload this then I can get onto the more easy stuff I've been up to and Lego progress in the next post.

Church was tonnes better on Sun (apart from being sad cos its Al's last sunday). I managed to (IMHO) be nice to everybody, (except the two that have left me with no belief in love, which I think is fair enough). So, progress. Not taking it out on people that have nothing to do with it, or only do by association. This was thanks to God in the morning, helping me to just be friendly to someone I have been really poo to, and helping us to be encouraging to each other about church stuff. It was also down to Eleanor being extremely wise. So many many thanks to her for taking time out to explain stuff to me as it is, but without telling me what to do and what to think like 'church' seems to have done over the last 6 months.

So, church in general is easier. And I have managed to explain how I feel to the person who has (not by my choice) assumed 'pastoral responsibilty' for me (incidentally these are the two words that wind me up the quickest right now). So hopefully I will not get any more threatening e-mails telling me to stop ignoring her. Amazing (and scary) how Church is able to give one person the power over another to tell them who they must, and are and are not allowed to communicate with, where they are allowed to go, what they are allowed to think, how they must behave towards others...

What I am most confused about is what I think of the person who is at the root of all this. I don't know whether to love or hate them. They have hurt me more than anyone else ever has, but I don't know whether that is all my own fault, or whether they are at all responsible (they have also caused the biggest changes in my life, and that too is hard to forget). There are several ways I could interpret what has gone on. Maybe they were never my friend at all, and I completely misinterpreted all their behaviour, and believed that we were close. Maybe they were my friend, at least for some time, and again, I misinterpreted their behaviour, and a 'normal' person would not have misconstrued their behaviour and it was all entirely innocent and just friendly. Or maybe I didn't get it wrong, and they meant what they were doing, but now they want me to believe that I never meant anything to them, I was only ever a 'pastoral responsibilty'. None of these options give me much hope. Either way I can't ever believe that anyone really genuinely cares about me. The first two options mean that I do not understand other people's behaviour, and I think they are my friend when they are not. The last explanation teaches me to not ever trust anybody. Being close to someone just leaves you open to having your heart torn out.

So, do I hate them and protect myself from being open to hurt, but turn into a very nasty person who is not terribly good at showing the rest of the world what God's love is like.... or do I love them, and believe the best of them, and leave myself open to having my heart ripped out every time I see them, and open to being used by the whole world because I don't know what other people really feel.

?

I'd be happier if someone could tell me why the hell i even liked this person in the first place...why I fell in love with them is a complete and utter mystery to me. Counsellor says this is just a phase I am going through. Maybe actually I am just seeing them for what they really are at last.

Its like they have removed my soul.

Knife. Heart.

That unique concoction is apparently why Ems likes reading my blog. Lego updates one minute, 4am rants the next. Well, here's both.

This is Saturday morning's effort. Done to the Episode 4 soundtrack and chocolate fingers and coffee.

Below is the particularly cute Astromech droid that comes with the ship...

Grrrrr the photo alignment thing is really annoying me again..... and here is Sunday's effort (I'm getting to like skiving church!) This was accompanied by the Empire strikes back soundtrack, coffee, and Garibaldi, oh and the Rat Pack kept me company, until Deano sneaked off that is.

Also on Sat I did some DIY. I was hoping that the new bookshelf would clear up tonnes of room in, er, my room. It didn't. oh well.



Photo alignment really really p-ing me off now. As you can see... some ingenuity and improvisation required when I discovered Ikea couldn't count to 12.

Right, onto the ranting. Well, I could start with the photo alignment on blogger. At least when I did my own HTML things looked nice. Or I could start on tescos, where I spent an hour today trying to get doughnuts for church (but did end up with a trolly full of free cakes and cookies, cos they messed up yet again, and didn't even do the order this time).

Think I might start on a cynical rant about church again. Whole service tonight on reconciliation (was townwide). Well. I did try and do the whole reconcilliation thing with a particular person at church. Thats a bit hard though when, after THEY prayed for God's will to be done in fixing "broken relationships", they then decide actually they don't want anything to do with me. I don't know whether to still be hurt by the fact that I really did think this person was a close friend, and now they couldn't care less if they never see me again, or whether I should wake up and smell the coffee, and realise that I am a complete and utter idiot for ever believing that somebody would genuinely want to be my freind. I have learnt a hell of a lot in recent months about the difference between what I think is friends, and what people from church think is freinds. I thought that hanging out with someone and sharing stuff that you haven't told anybody else, and hugging and being physically and emotionally close to them meant you were friends. Apparently I was very, very wrong. Well, I am learning. I'm choosing who to trust at church now. Not very good with my judgement yet though, hence my 'what have I done wrong now?' response to someone tonight, and all they did was to say 'thanks for being you'. A few months ago I probably would have cried and said thanks and given her a hug. Now I am instantly on the defensive. Not sure this was God's plan. Oh well, I guess he knows what he is doing.

LOL! well, me and Adi laughed anyway. Handed the thesis in again, after printing and binding disasters, so was free to have a drum lesson. Adi taught me the blues, rock, texas and jazz shuffle beats that he has been practicing recently. Once we figured out how my brain works we were well away (annoyingly so in Adi's opinion I fear hehehe). No amount of explaining or listening would make the jazz shuffle stop being two seperate beats...but write them down and I go 'oh right' and play it straight away! If only I could grasp other things (like people) so quickly if I had the 'music' in front of me.

We also played Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit (DVD one) friday night. Very funny. I did get butt whooped (spelling??) though. Oh well, that was always going to happen. I did have a good, but again annoying in Adi's opinion , start, mainly by guessing jammily. Superior knowledge won through in the end though. As did being big and mean when I giggled at him.

That was sooooooooooooooo cool!

I decided recently on a list of three things I must do before I am 30 (in a kind of crazy things you should do while you are young type way). I have now done the first two. The first was learning to surf. I will blog this properly when I get pics back, and when I put the video of me getting into my wetsuit on youtube. However ....surfing is officially AWESOME!!!! plus, we have finally found a sport I can actually do! Or as Jono put it...at least I can catch a wave!

The second thing on the list was to set off a firework. It being November the Fifth I thought, Carpe Diem and all that, and it was now or never. So having acquired 5 quids worth of rockets today (and some sparklers!) I returned from church all excited about the planned 'display'. Well, it was flipping awesome. They went woosh, and bang, and two crackled, and it was the coolest thing. I know its not safe and its not sensible. But its such fun. Organised displays are great (btw Loughborough Rag one was brilliant this year) but I think you lose something in the computer controlled, spectacular show-ness of it all. The best fireworks displays were the ones from when I was a kid and I put on me wellies and duffle coat and went to the local scouts display. It was more fun watching the bloke with the torch setting off each one. And there was always a cheer if (after having watching him nail it to a 2x4) the catherine wheel actually went round!

So. One and two on the list were both totally awesome. I loved surfing and I loved the fireworks. Fear it may have been a bad idea to let an Aspie with Pyromaniac tendancies get anywhere near a firework, but it was cool (plus John Whitley was on hand to be 'Mr Health and Safety' - thanks dude). Number three awaits......

Have been real world avoiding yet again. After milk and air chores at Tescos I curled up under a fleece blanky with the end of Bridget Jones 2. Faffed until cell. After cell i was supposed to do some thesis corrections. but i am still too annoyed to do them, and have zero motivation.

So. I thought I would blog some things from my Cell research from last night. But then I got distracted by Autism and Aspie related blogs on tinternet. Maybe my new aim in life should be to write a book on Apsie stuff. Not sure how helpful it would be to other people cos at the moment it would be full of stuff about wishing I had the guts to leave church and tell them to stop telling me how to behave, wondering if I will ever find somebody that just likes me and wants to be close to me, rather than falling in love with people that lie to me and don't want anything to do with me one minute but make a point of saying hello to me the next, wondering if it will always be that other people always feel haapy to contact me when they want a job done, but nobody would ever invite me to some social event. It would question whether all the stuff in my head is because of autism or just other aspects of being me. One point i would definately like my book to make would be to teach NTs the difference between 'making assumptions' and multiple versions of reality. I get accused of making assumptions lots, by people that are interfering in my life. They make me try to explain my actions and my feelings. Then they say that i am making assumptions (and thus that i have no basis for my feelings). What i am actually doing is telling them how I feel and why i feel that way, because of how I see things. I understand that they may see things differently, I am just explaining to them how things are in my world. The point I would like my book to make for Aspies is something i am beginning to learn, through all this process of church telling mehow to behave and how to feel. I want to tell Aspies that it is NOT always their fault. Relationships may go pear shaped and (in my version of reality) I have got the blame for this because I am the Aspie, I am the one who is getting things wrong. However, the reaction of my counsellor and one freind i share some stuff with, when I am telling them about 'this weeks latest installment' tells me that maybe I'm not the one getting it wrong. When they give me an incredulous 'WHAT????' when i tell them what was done or said it reassures me that no, i didnt just read this all wrong, its not me that is breaking all the social rules because I am the Aspie.

I wonder if other Apsies have an all or nothing approach to emotions? The reply to my latest letter trying to sort out a completely screwed up relationship used the word 'objective' to describe how I had tried to sort it out. I was trying to keep it simple, and be objective myself so as to find out their true feelings. I have learned in the past that me relating my emotions has caused more problems. I know that if ever I had to try to sort this out with a face to face conversation the person might get 100% of my emotions. All in one big confused explosion. The last time we talked I managed to control myself into zero emotions, and it resulted in me not being honest. NTs are rubbish at telling and dealing with the truth. Especially in relationships I think. Every time I have said how I feel about something it has made the situation worse for me because of their reaction. Maybe it is better to be devoid of feelings and keep your emotions to yourself. I am certainly learning not to get close to anybody, it only opens yourself up to being hurt. NTs lie. I think that with me, people know if I like them or not. I hate it when people are nice to you, but for ulterior motives, or they don't really mean it. But then maybe its just me, and I should have been able to tell that they were not really my freind, just being pastorally responsible.

Maybe my book could be advice for churches. The best way to turn somebody off God is to show them God's love, and be for them a glimpse of what God's love is, by making them feel loved and cared for and accepted and forgiven. And then taking that all away. How do I know God won't take his love away?

And how about some advice for churches on the difference between encouraging people to serve God and use their gifts.... and turning them into some kind of gopher. Word has got around that I will volunteer for anything, or actually that you can email/text me and I will do whatever it is, because I would feel too guilty if I said no. The thing that hurts most is that now I am no longer part of the Emmanuel family, but part of the Emmanuel backstage team. I am there to do the set up and clearing away, the behind the scenes stuff, for seemingly everything. However, I am never invited to be a part of the events themselves. Sports quiz was the perfect example. I was emailed a month in advance to ask if i would set up the screen and projector. Not a single person at church asked if i was going to the quiz, or if i would like to be on their team. They want me there to the the work, but they don't want ME there. I'm sure I would get contacted if I failed to turn up to music team practice, or for doing the projector. No-one asks why I'm not at the socials.

Anyway. I will save other rants for another day (maybe after sundays service when i have a meeting to attend during which i will get told what i am allowed to do think and say in the context of youth work). For now I will get back to what I was originally going to post. I was looking for some verses preparing for Cell. As usual I got distracted. My 'Life Application' bible had some stuff to say about 'lessons from John's life. Hoping I don't get done, I will quote them here....

"Those who realise how much they are loved are able to love much"

"Being love is the most powerful motivation in the world and our ability to love is often shaped by our experience of love"

"When God changes a life, he does not take away personality characteristics, but puts them to effective use in his service"


Well. The last one is good, as it answers something I was worried about at Soul Survivor, namely would I still be me if i let God do what he wanted with me. There were bits of me I didn't want wiped out and taken away.

The first two explain a lot of why I am struggling with God and other people in general at the moment. One person has so destroyed my heart that I don't beleive God can love me, and besides what is the point in doing anything. Since I tried to live for God everything in my life has gone some completely and utterly pear shaped. I have turned into one big failure. My one reason for living has been taken away and I don't understand what I did wrong for it to have to be taken away. Do I just join the rest of the world...and destroy others through protecting yourself?