Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I don't know what to think anymore
Just gonna offload this then I can get onto the more easy stuff I've been up to and Lego progress in the next post.
Church was tonnes better on Sun (apart from being sad cos its Al's last sunday). I managed to (IMHO) be nice to everybody, (except the two that have left me with no belief in love, which I think is fair enough). So, progress. Not taking it out on people that have nothing to do with it, or only do by association. This was thanks to God in the morning, helping me to just be friendly to someone I have been really poo to, and helping us to be encouraging to each other about church stuff. It was also down to Eleanor being extremely wise. So many many thanks to her for taking time out to explain stuff to me as it is, but without telling me what to do and what to think like 'church' seems to have done over the last 6 months.
So, church in general is easier. And I have managed to explain how I feel to the person who has (not by my choice) assumed 'pastoral responsibilty' for me (incidentally these are the two words that wind me up the quickest right now). So hopefully I will not get any more threatening e-mails telling me to stop ignoring her. Amazing (and scary) how Church is able to give one person the power over another to tell them who they must, and are and are not allowed to communicate with, where they are allowed to go, what they are allowed to think, how they must behave towards others...
What I am most confused about is what I think of the person who is at the root of all this. I don't know whether to love or hate them. They have hurt me more than anyone else ever has, but I don't know whether that is all my own fault, or whether they are at all responsible (they have also caused the biggest changes in my life, and that too is hard to forget). There are several ways I could interpret what has gone on. Maybe they were never my friend at all, and I completely misinterpreted all their behaviour, and believed that we were close. Maybe they were my friend, at least for some time, and again, I misinterpreted their behaviour, and a 'normal' person would not have misconstrued their behaviour and it was all entirely innocent and just friendly. Or maybe I didn't get it wrong, and they meant what they were doing, but now they want me to believe that I never meant anything to them, I was only ever a 'pastoral responsibilty'. None of these options give me much hope. Either way I can't ever believe that anyone really genuinely cares about me. The first two options mean that I do not understand other people's behaviour, and I think they are my friend when they are not. The last explanation teaches me to not ever trust anybody. Being close to someone just leaves you open to having your heart torn out.
So, do I hate them and protect myself from being open to hurt, but turn into a very nasty person who is not terribly good at showing the rest of the world what God's love is like.... or do I love them, and believe the best of them, and leave myself open to having my heart ripped out every time I see them, and open to being used by the whole world because I don't know what other people really feel.
?
Church was tonnes better on Sun (apart from being sad cos its Al's last sunday). I managed to (IMHO) be nice to everybody, (except the two that have left me with no belief in love, which I think is fair enough). So, progress. Not taking it out on people that have nothing to do with it, or only do by association. This was thanks to God in the morning, helping me to just be friendly to someone I have been really poo to, and helping us to be encouraging to each other about church stuff. It was also down to Eleanor being extremely wise. So many many thanks to her for taking time out to explain stuff to me as it is, but without telling me what to do and what to think like 'church' seems to have done over the last 6 months.
So, church in general is easier. And I have managed to explain how I feel to the person who has (not by my choice) assumed 'pastoral responsibilty' for me (incidentally these are the two words that wind me up the quickest right now). So hopefully I will not get any more threatening e-mails telling me to stop ignoring her. Amazing (and scary) how Church is able to give one person the power over another to tell them who they must, and are and are not allowed to communicate with, where they are allowed to go, what they are allowed to think, how they must behave towards others...
What I am most confused about is what I think of the person who is at the root of all this. I don't know whether to love or hate them. They have hurt me more than anyone else ever has, but I don't know whether that is all my own fault, or whether they are at all responsible (they have also caused the biggest changes in my life, and that too is hard to forget). There are several ways I could interpret what has gone on. Maybe they were never my friend at all, and I completely misinterpreted all their behaviour, and believed that we were close. Maybe they were my friend, at least for some time, and again, I misinterpreted their behaviour, and a 'normal' person would not have misconstrued their behaviour and it was all entirely innocent and just friendly. Or maybe I didn't get it wrong, and they meant what they were doing, but now they want me to believe that I never meant anything to them, I was only ever a 'pastoral responsibilty'. None of these options give me much hope. Either way I can't ever believe that anyone really genuinely cares about me. The first two options mean that I do not understand other people's behaviour, and I think they are my friend when they are not. The last explanation teaches me to not ever trust anybody. Being close to someone just leaves you open to having your heart torn out.
So, do I hate them and protect myself from being open to hurt, but turn into a very nasty person who is not terribly good at showing the rest of the world what God's love is like.... or do I love them, and believe the best of them, and leave myself open to having my heart ripped out every time I see them, and open to being used by the whole world because I don't know what other people really feel.
?
# posted by Harley @ 7:00 PM 
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I'm glad you've had a better day at Church - some people just have to be in control, especially when in church - its often just a mask to stop others getting too close. Or they might show their true colours...
Don't do the same thing that they're doing. Everyone's scared to show their true selves - making themselves vulnerable. You've a good heart. Don't lower yourself.
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Don't do the same thing that they're doing. Everyone's scared to show their true selves - making themselves vulnerable. You've a good heart. Don't lower yourself.
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