Work avoiding again

We gave the Rat Pack a bath this morning after I had cleaned their cage. Hilarious. Deano is a super rat, he leaped (salmon like) out of the bath. They did also use my arms to escape so I have a few claw marks, but was so funny. Pics don't do it justice, but can't put videos on the blog (at least I don't know how). Deano really did look like a drowned rat! Frankie just looked even more fluffy.





Off on holiday tomorrow...me soooo excited. Poor Sue has adopted me (bad move) so its me Ronan and Esmee fighting over who sits where in the back, and who gets the top bunk! Can't wait, I've always wanted to try surfing (and 'craft night' sounds fun too hehe). Will hopefully get some good pics to put up. However must finish packing first.

Watching: Billy Connolly's World Tour of New Zealand (Spaghetti hoops?!?!?)
Reading: Northern Lights (first in the His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman. V good so far)
Eating: Rolos that I found in the bottom of a drawer.

Cos lots of people round here think I'm a doormat. I have well and truely had enough of tidying up after lazy people because I refuse to live in a dump. Yet another Saturday spent cleaning up, having also done cleaning up after lazy people throughout the week. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Don't even get me started on people that are supposed to have 'pastoral responsibility' for me, but only contact me when they want a job doing...


Anyway, will blog the Lego progress later. Am trying to get something done now that hopefully will be something really nice, but its a bit secret. It does mean I have to trawl through all the photos on my PC, so I will put up a couple of groovy ones I found so far. I'm still really really tempted to youtube the video that captured an incident involving a paddling pool. I'll take best of 5 comments voting either way! (could be hard as no-one ever reads this).


Nice one of me and ma at Nan's 80th Party. Shame I can't find the photos I'm actually looking for, but this is kinda fun and certainly distracting me from the crap that has been the rest of the week.

Lets not talk about people anymore. Made star wars lego in bed. Then faffed, mostly on you tube and sleeping. Then took Stewie for a walk. Some good pics of his highness.



Photo alignment in blogger really starting to annoy me. will stick to one pic in the centre in future. Watching: Broken Flowers. Don't. Just don't. Like Citizen Cane but worse in that this doesn't actually have an ending. Nobody is owning up to having put it on the rental list.

Can't sleep so thought I would note down some ideas for my Aspie book. Something I think it is important to learn as an Aspie is how different our perspectives on relationships can be from NTs. I had a really good insight last night into just how insignificant and worthless we can be in other peoples lives. Obsession appears to be a tendancy with Aspies, but a better way of looking at it is that for an Aspie, someone with whom you can actually connect and get close to and share stuff with becomes someone who means the absolute world to you. The point of living can be to spend time with that person, or to communicate successfully with them. In the NT world however, things change. Where people are concerned this is something I really don't know how to deal with. They change their rules, and you are expected to change accordingly, and instantly, not to wonder why it has to change and why it can't stay the same if it seemed to work. When someone who meant the world to you suddenly changes, and can't explain to you what you have done wrong nothing makes sense. You can lose your reason to live, your reason to keep trying with people. What hurts the most though is when you see just how easily you are replaced in the other person's life, and you realise just how worthless and insignificant you are to them.

I don't know what my advice to other Aspies would be on this one. Wendy Lawson writes from a place where she is settled, she seems to have come through some of these issues and is now happy with a life partner and seems secure in the friends she does have. She is kind of peaceful and accepting of friendships that haven't worked out. I am not in that place. I am in the midst of an ongoing turmoil where I am torn between really wanting to have a close friend and to do everything I can to rescue the relationship that is going so wrong, and ceasing to trust anybody. It seems that my version of reality is so different to everybody elses. Maybe what they see as being friends is what I see as 'people who are there when they want something, but are not there for me when I really need someone to care'. There are an awful lot of people who know my name and I have no idea who they are. There are lots of people who get in touch with me, when a job needs doing. There is nobody who has not replaced me with someone or something else. Nobody who I can go to when I am in tears, who I don't have to pay for their time, or make an appointment to see them some time in advance. There used to be. But they have changed now.

was going to write about stuff I did over the last week but can't be bothered now. Just got an email from my supervisor at the University. They have decided to enter my thesis as an MPhil, not a PhD. I'm having a number 9 bus moment again, in that I would happily walk under one.

Seems that over the last 5 years or so I just seem to be building a catalogue of failures. My one ever relationship, the PhD, everything seems to be pointless. I should really learn to not try to do anything, I will just fail. This all feels a million times worse because the one person who cared and was there for me to pick up the pieces now won't even talk to me. I don't even know what I have done wrong. So what hurts worse is that I have failed too at having a close friend, one I shared everything with.

Eventually I will learn to not set myself goals and try to achieve anything, because I will fail. I will also learn not to trust anybody else. I am such a failure that I have to pay somebody to even listen to me.

All this failure must be part of God's plan. Maybe he is biding his time before picking up the pieces. But for now I have nobody to turn to. And somehow I have to motivate myself to do the required editing on a thesis that is the pinacle of my failings so far.

Is 'happy to die at any moment' a good place to be?

Was about to blog but got distracted by the 'blogs of note' button. It led to here .
Not sure I can think of three each day. Might manage one thing that made me smile/laugh. Today would be tidying my desk (was somewhere under the dust), and finding a photo of Rizzo on my drum kit. Eating sweets this afternoon at school in a department meeting when all the kids had gone home also made me smile, as did singing along to the Shrek 2 soundtrack on the way to school.

Footy didn't really make me smile. Just made me feel really Aspie (and crap at footy) and wish that there was a church team for girls, with freindly, supportive people, not scary ones that swear lots. The astro surface is well weird. Its like a ribbon thing Mum has to go round christmas cakes. Don't ask. Am intruiged as to what its like to slide on, but have left enough skin on various playing surfaces in the past so don't want to experiment.

Am v tired now (must check iron levels). Lots to do tomorrow, so bed now. Oh I had bangers and Smash for tea, how fun is that (Thanks Mumsy Rich, she sent me Smash!)

Reading: Horrible Histories Second World War
Listening: Shrek 2 OST
Watching: Friends re-runs on E4 (seem to have even less time to watch tv now that thesis is finished)

Tues is my day off from school. Previously known as PhD Day. I had told the boys that this week I was not going to get out of bed before 3. I lied. Had a great start to the day, sat in bed with a coffee and chocolate making my Starfighter. Here it is so far. Don't feel so bad about the price now I realise there about a million bits!


Have spent the rest of the day cleaning (and going to counselling in Nottingham and going to a meeting at church, and blogging and...). Here is a before and after on the room. Doesn't look that different I know, but you can see through the window now, and the carpet is safe to walk on. Have also got rid of ironing mountain. You know its been too long when you forgot you even had the t-shirt at the bottom.















So. Don't think I'll be getting bored anytime soon. Church is keeping me busy and there is still tonnes of tidying to do. Thats before I even start trying to have a major sort out and try to part with stuff (something I am hopeless bad at, but unless my room magically grows bigger...).

Anyway, time for bed said Zebedee, so will leave you with this, now that I have time to watch and read stuff (well, officially have time, I just used to feel guilty before)

Reading: about to finish The World According to Jeremy Clarkson. Fantastic book. stole it off remi. Hilarious, esp when mocking Englishness.

Watching: saw end of Snatch yesterday. The fantastic script and acting make you forget how horrible it is. Brilliant film. Brad Pitt sans shirt. Fabulous even if you can't understand a word he is saying.

Listening: KT Tunstall. Finally bought the CD from Amazon. Queen Rocks.

Had to get out of Lufbra, so siezed on the fact that i was not on any rota at church for the first time in a year, and went home to Norwich. Was v late getting there, as I cleaned out my porr rat babies and did loads of other chores before going. How did Deano repay this kindness?? yep, he peed on me. He was sat on my shoulder, and i felt it dribble all the way down my back!. Nice.

Went to Kerrisons after the obligatory Tea And Cake Or Death. Mum bought me some Star Wars Lego as a treat for finishing my 'book'. Thanks mum!. will blog the progress of the ARC-170 Starfighter, as its a bit complicated (plus Ma wanted a photo of it).

Tried to organise an evening out, unfortunately everybody else was unavailable, but was good anyway. Eventually had 4 meals between three of us at the Cherry Tree, then went bowling. Pops was on fire in the first game, got 135. I did ok but not too impressive. Cocoa and cards when we got home!

Sun: tried to fix Dad's PC. Failed miserably. Its more knackered than i thought. Went to Gt Yarmouth in the afternoon. We all went on the Snails at Joyland!!!!

They still sound like Mums old Riley Elf! unfortunately my phone didn't play ball, so I don't have a video of me and Dad arms up screaming on the dips.











We then all squeezed into one of the Tubs. Was hilarious. Were thrown around all over the place. Felt quite sick after that! Phone playing up now, and won't let me upload the pics. Grrr.

So, Joyland was cool. Felt old when I caught myself reminiscing and debating what it was like 'in my day' (much the same apart from Space Mountain).

Went on the beach and chucked a tennis ball about (still can't catch) and the Britannia Pier. Then walked to the market via the seaside tat shops to get some chips. Market closed so got some back on the front (and donuts for afters hehe). Meanwhile had started p***ing it down. Thus confirming my theory that as soon as i was able to go out and enjoy it the great weather we had been having would suddenly cease and turn to poo!

Cuppa with Jon when got home, then set off for Lufbra in my all fixed Mini Moby (new clutch, new wipers, fixed front wing, fixed glove box) felt v weird after driving mum's hyundai.

At long last, yes we all thought it would never happen...but the thesis is finally handed in. Bit of a stressful week last week, got it printed out Wed night, so Ems (star) could take it to be bound thurs. Had open evening at school Thurs night, was actually a real laugh, great kids and we played on the trampettes. Was panicking all of friday at school that some disaster would occur. Collected it ok from print services. Things went wrong when I went to my Director of Research's office to get the form signed. He didn't want to. Him and Jo still haven't decided whether to enter it as PhD or MPhil. So yet again, I left his office trying not to cry. He signed it in the end, and the research office was still open, so got it all in ok. So, what should have been a fantastic moment, finally handing in the thesis after 7 years was actually really, really crappy. Instead of being deliriously happy I had thimble spillage in the rain outside the Walkers house, and cried all the way home.

Luckily Adi Wood's gig at the Windmill was fantastic, and luckily John Whitley fed me guinness. By virtue of being a complete lightweight, two pints later I couldn't have cared less about the stupid thesis. So there.