Monday, October 09, 2006
Failed again
was going to write about stuff I did over the last week but can't be bothered now. Just got an email from my supervisor at the University. They have decided to enter my thesis as an MPhil, not a PhD. I'm having a number 9 bus moment again, in that I would happily walk under one.
Seems that over the last 5 years or so I just seem to be building a catalogue of failures. My one ever relationship, the PhD, everything seems to be pointless. I should really learn to not try to do anything, I will just fail. This all feels a million times worse because the one person who cared and was there for me to pick up the pieces now won't even talk to me. I don't even know what I have done wrong. So what hurts worse is that I have failed too at having a close friend, one I shared everything with.
Eventually I will learn to not set myself goals and try to achieve anything, because I will fail. I will also learn not to trust anybody else. I am such a failure that I have to pay somebody to even listen to me.
All this failure must be part of God's plan. Maybe he is biding his time before picking up the pieces. But for now I have nobody to turn to. And somehow I have to motivate myself to do the required editing on a thesis that is the pinacle of my failings so far.
Is 'happy to die at any moment' a good place to be?
Seems that over the last 5 years or so I just seem to be building a catalogue of failures. My one ever relationship, the PhD, everything seems to be pointless. I should really learn to not try to do anything, I will just fail. This all feels a million times worse because the one person who cared and was there for me to pick up the pieces now won't even talk to me. I don't even know what I have done wrong. So what hurts worse is that I have failed too at having a close friend, one I shared everything with.
Eventually I will learn to not set myself goals and try to achieve anything, because I will fail. I will also learn not to trust anybody else. I am such a failure that I have to pay somebody to even listen to me.
All this failure must be part of God's plan. Maybe he is biding his time before picking up the pieces. But for now I have nobody to turn to. And somehow I have to motivate myself to do the required editing on a thesis that is the pinacle of my failings so far.
Is 'happy to die at any moment' a good place to be?
# posted by Harley @ 7:08 PM 
