Work avoiding again

Have been real world avoiding yet again. After milk and air chores at Tescos I curled up under a fleece blanky with the end of Bridget Jones 2. Faffed until cell. After cell i was supposed to do some thesis corrections. but i am still too annoyed to do them, and have zero motivation.

So. I thought I would blog some things from my Cell research from last night. But then I got distracted by Autism and Aspie related blogs on tinternet. Maybe my new aim in life should be to write a book on Apsie stuff. Not sure how helpful it would be to other people cos at the moment it would be full of stuff about wishing I had the guts to leave church and tell them to stop telling me how to behave, wondering if I will ever find somebody that just likes me and wants to be close to me, rather than falling in love with people that lie to me and don't want anything to do with me one minute but make a point of saying hello to me the next, wondering if it will always be that other people always feel haapy to contact me when they want a job done, but nobody would ever invite me to some social event. It would question whether all the stuff in my head is because of autism or just other aspects of being me. One point i would definately like my book to make would be to teach NTs the difference between 'making assumptions' and multiple versions of reality. I get accused of making assumptions lots, by people that are interfering in my life. They make me try to explain my actions and my feelings. Then they say that i am making assumptions (and thus that i have no basis for my feelings). What i am actually doing is telling them how I feel and why i feel that way, because of how I see things. I understand that they may see things differently, I am just explaining to them how things are in my world. The point I would like my book to make for Aspies is something i am beginning to learn, through all this process of church telling mehow to behave and how to feel. I want to tell Aspies that it is NOT always their fault. Relationships may go pear shaped and (in my version of reality) I have got the blame for this because I am the Aspie, I am the one who is getting things wrong. However, the reaction of my counsellor and one freind i share some stuff with, when I am telling them about 'this weeks latest installment' tells me that maybe I'm not the one getting it wrong. When they give me an incredulous 'WHAT????' when i tell them what was done or said it reassures me that no, i didnt just read this all wrong, its not me that is breaking all the social rules because I am the Aspie.

I wonder if other Apsies have an all or nothing approach to emotions? The reply to my latest letter trying to sort out a completely screwed up relationship used the word 'objective' to describe how I had tried to sort it out. I was trying to keep it simple, and be objective myself so as to find out their true feelings. I have learned in the past that me relating my emotions has caused more problems. I know that if ever I had to try to sort this out with a face to face conversation the person might get 100% of my emotions. All in one big confused explosion. The last time we talked I managed to control myself into zero emotions, and it resulted in me not being honest. NTs are rubbish at telling and dealing with the truth. Especially in relationships I think. Every time I have said how I feel about something it has made the situation worse for me because of their reaction. Maybe it is better to be devoid of feelings and keep your emotions to yourself. I am certainly learning not to get close to anybody, it only opens yourself up to being hurt. NTs lie. I think that with me, people know if I like them or not. I hate it when people are nice to you, but for ulterior motives, or they don't really mean it. But then maybe its just me, and I should have been able to tell that they were not really my freind, just being pastorally responsible.

Maybe my book could be advice for churches. The best way to turn somebody off God is to show them God's love, and be for them a glimpse of what God's love is, by making them feel loved and cared for and accepted and forgiven. And then taking that all away. How do I know God won't take his love away?

And how about some advice for churches on the difference between encouraging people to serve God and use their gifts.... and turning them into some kind of gopher. Word has got around that I will volunteer for anything, or actually that you can email/text me and I will do whatever it is, because I would feel too guilty if I said no. The thing that hurts most is that now I am no longer part of the Emmanuel family, but part of the Emmanuel backstage team. I am there to do the set up and clearing away, the behind the scenes stuff, for seemingly everything. However, I am never invited to be a part of the events themselves. Sports quiz was the perfect example. I was emailed a month in advance to ask if i would set up the screen and projector. Not a single person at church asked if i was going to the quiz, or if i would like to be on their team. They want me there to the the work, but they don't want ME there. I'm sure I would get contacted if I failed to turn up to music team practice, or for doing the projector. No-one asks why I'm not at the socials.

Anyway. I will save other rants for another day (maybe after sundays service when i have a meeting to attend during which i will get told what i am allowed to do think and say in the context of youth work). For now I will get back to what I was originally going to post. I was looking for some verses preparing for Cell. As usual I got distracted. My 'Life Application' bible had some stuff to say about 'lessons from John's life. Hoping I don't get done, I will quote them here....

"Those who realise how much they are loved are able to love much"

"Being love is the most powerful motivation in the world and our ability to love is often shaped by our experience of love"

"When God changes a life, he does not take away personality characteristics, but puts them to effective use in his service"


Well. The last one is good, as it answers something I was worried about at Soul Survivor, namely would I still be me if i let God do what he wanted with me. There were bits of me I didn't want wiped out and taken away.

The first two explain a lot of why I am struggling with God and other people in general at the moment. One person has so destroyed my heart that I don't beleive God can love me, and besides what is the point in doing anything. Since I tried to live for God everything in my life has gone some completely and utterly pear shaped. I have turned into one big failure. My one reason for living has been taken away and I don't understand what I did wrong for it to have to be taken away. Do I just join the rest of the world...and destroy others through protecting yourself?